Something Happened on the Way to the End

7

January 24, 2012 by CJ

Do you ever find yourself writing and think you have it pretty clear in your head how you want it to come out.  Only to find half way through, that your story or post has taken a path all on its own?  That’s where I am.

I typically jot down thoughts or ideas throughout the week.  I get inspiration from reading other blogs and just life.  Then I sit down over the weekend and do my writing.  After I am done, I put it down, let it sit and marinate for a few hours, then pull it back up, edit, check typos, etc…  This week I added something new to my list, “Communicate regularly with my mother”.  Then I went about writing how I plan on and what I did so far to accomplish this goal.  But something happened on the way to the end.

I found myself full of inspiration and ideas.  I typed all night long.  The next day I opened up the draft, edited, then reread and edited again.  This post was jumpy, it didn’t make sense in some parts and I was confusing myself in others.  As I read I realized the story I thought I was telling had turned into something else.  What it is, I don’t know, but it’s not what I had planned.  I deleted everything and typed up an entirely new draft.  I didn’t feel 100% confident about it.  I thought if I slept on it I could work it out.  I opened it up Monday night and wrote some more and before I knew it, the simple post about talking to my mother veered off in yet another direction.  Again it was all over the place, thoughts and feelings jumped from one situation to the next.  It wasn’t cohesive, it didn’t flow, and worst of all, I couldn’t end it. I just kept writing, dragging out random thoughts, trying to explain a story or a conversation.  I was shoving humor where there wasn’t any and my vocabulary seemed muted.  I was using the same adjectives over and over again and couldn’t get my head together enough to just THINK.  I was unable to get to the place I wanted.  I had a great phrase I wanted to end the post with, but I couldn’t get my thoughts or words to that spot.

It is now Tuesday morning.  I stood in the shower this morning thinking about that post and how to fix it.  How to make it interesting, insightful, funny, how do I make it what I want it to be?  This blogging thing sucks right now.  I began this thinking the creative free flow of ideas in a blog would be perfect for me.  I loved writing and it would be an opportunity to get back into it without all the rules and restrictions of a classroom.  I know the more I write the better I’ll be, like any skill or craft.  But I can’t seem to get past this hurdle and I can’t figure out why…

It’s now Tuesday evening.  The kid’s homework is done, instruments have been practiced, all  my work is completed, the kids are fed, my husband is playing racquetball in his league and I am here looking at this stupid post.  It took awhile, but it finally hit me why I’m having such a difficult time with this particular project.  Writing about my relationship with my mother is a lot like the relationship I have with her.  It’s ancy, it doesn’t flow, there are clumsy and confusing moments.  It’s not interesting when I want it to be and not always humorous when I wish it was.  It’s funny how this simple assignment that I gave myself evolved into this realization.  I love my mother, don’t get me wrong, she has always been nothing but loving and supportive to me.  Yet, there is a reason I don’t talk to her with any regularity…

I didn’t start this process to be critiqued on my writing ability or lack there of.  I need to keep reminding myself of that.  This process is about me and the steps I am taking to get to be a better me.  Part of this will have to include posts that just don’t make a lot of sense sometimes.  I’m going to post what I have written at some point.  I’m sure it won’t help in my goal to be “Freshly Pressed”, it won’t win me any “Blogger of the Year” awards.   It probably won’t flow, it may be difficult to follow.  It will be confusing and awkward at times.  But more than anything it’ll be true and real…it’ll be me.